After careful review, extensive deliberation, and an irresponsible amount of laughter, the judges present the current leaders in the Book Crook Awards.
Like most authors, I hoped my public email address would help readers contact me. It did. Unfortunately, it also attracted an extraordinary collection of people who haven’t read my books but are deeply committed to promoting them.
After reviewing the growing field of contenders, the judges established the following list of top contenders.
🥇 The Golden Flush
The Children’s Commissioning Editor
Distinguished Achievement: Discovering Ian Spencer’s nonexistent career in children’s literature
Score: 10.75
A supposed commissioning editor from a major international publisher praised Ian’s characterization, young-reader appeal, and potential for a long-term collection of illustrated children’s projects.
Ian has never written a children’s book.
Rather than allowing this minor obstacle to interfere with the acquisition process, the contestant requested information about Ian’s intended age range, illustrator, current children’s manuscript, and plans for future stories featuring characters who do not exist.
Judges’ Verdict: A commanding performance built upon stolen credentials, an unrelated genre, and an entirely imaginary branch of Ian Spencer’s literary career. A worthy holder of the Golden Flush.
🥈 Second Place
The Question That Never Was
Distinguished Achievement: Sending an email to ask a question, and forgetting to include the question
Score: 10.50
Representing itself as “Bookbub” through an address ending in 70@gmail.com, this contestant contacted “AuthorIan” regarding his books and announced that it had a quick question.
The email then ended.
No book was identified. No question was asked. The message was signed by someone whose name bore no apparent relationship to the sender.
Judges’ Verdict: A landmark achievement in minimalist incompetence. The contestant said almost nothing, made every word count, and still omitted the only words that mattered: the question.
🥉 Third Place
The Woman of Three Names
Distinguished Achievement: Hijacking a real literary event while changing identities throughout the email
Score: 10.40
This contestant claimed to be part of the team supporting a genuine George Saunders appearance at Benaroya Hall in Seattle. The real event was organized by established literary and cultural organizations that did not include the sender.
The message arrived under one name, came from an address containing a second name, and was signed with a third.
No subject was provided. No Ian Spencer book was identified. No connection to the event was demonstrated.
Judges’ Verdict: An extraordinarily ambitious combination of event impersonation, identity confusion, and missing information. The Golden Flush was missed by only one tenth of a point.
Honorable Mentions
The Reader Who Never Was — 10.25
Claimed to have read The First Flight through its final page, but discussed nothing that could not be extracted from the Amazon description. The sender also reversed her own first and last names midway through the presentation.
Special Award: Completed the Entire Amazon Description
The Crimson Horizon Incident — 10.00
A supposed radio host invited Ian onto a real radio station for an in-depth discussion of The Crimson Horizon—a book Ian did not write.
Special Award: Excellence in Interviewing the Wrong Author
Dark Tunnels of Beige — 10.00
A supposed verified marketer became emotionally overwhelmed by an event-planning book written by someone else and offered Ian a campaign to rescue readers from “the dark tunnels of beige events.”
Special Award: Outstanding Achievement in Fraudulent Prose
WNYC’s Imaginary Business Partner — 9.75
Claimed a collaboration with WNYC 93.9 FM while offering “zero upfront financial commitment,” followed shortly afterward by a vaguely defined distribution fee.
Special Award: Best Use of “No Fee” Immediately Before Introducing a Fee
Definitely a Literary Agent — 9.25
Impersonated a genuine literary agent through a Gmail address that helpfully included the word agent, presumably as official proof of representation.
Special Award: Best Homemade Professional Credential
Standings are updated whenever a new contender demonstrates sufficient audacity, deception, incompetence, originality, or comedic achievement. All scores are subject to change if an entrant returns with an even worse follow-up.
